We all have to take shits. It’s mother nature’s way of removing excess waste from our body. I know there are those who are adamant about staying away from the toilet– they like to take a shit at home with a peace of mind, so nobody will ever know the smell of what’s cooking. But in today’s fast paced work environment, I have come to the conclusion: The work shit is inevitable. Here is the ultimate survival guide for taking a shit at work.
Crop Dusting
Let out a big fart and start walking quickly around the office so the smell is not around your area but everyone else’s. They will get a whiff and not know of its origin. I warn you however, you must be quick and discreet. Do not stop until all the gas has been passed and then walk outside as if you were going to smoke.
BoxerFreeze
This technique requires a little preparation. Before you come to work, spray your boxers down (butt area) with Febreeze. Spray depending on how long you want your protection to last. For a full 8-hour shift, 4 sprays will do. Now you are set. Any fart you pass will go through your Febreeze underwear filter and the gas shall remain odorless. Maximum protection guaranteed.
Operation Toejam
This requires you to investigate the bathroom before taking a fat shit. Walk in casually as if you were going to wash your hands and check for other shitters. Remember, just because a stall door is closed doesn’t mean someone is in it. You can duck down and check for feet. If someone is there, leave and come back after 5 minutes. If the bathroom is clear, proceed with your needs.
Thunderstorm
While your taking a dump, you forget about all those beers and chicken wings you had the night before. All of a sudden a rainstorm of ass juice just splashes down and you suddenly start to panic. Stay calm. Remain in the bathroom until you hear no more noise. Just to make sure, hold your breath for 10 seconds and listen attentively. Once the coast is clear, you may wipe and leave.
The Courtesy Flush
You are taking a huge shit and still have 80% to go. Not acting will cause the whole bathroom to stink. So after the initial ‘drop’, flush immediately. This will guarantee a smell-free bathroom when you leave.
The Standby
During your shit, occasionally someone will come into the bathroom to do multiple tasks such as washing and brushing their teeth. They may take more than 10 minutes at times. If this is the case, just take a shit as you normally would do and wait. *Caution, make sure you wipe before you wait so you won’t have any shit juice drying. After the person leaves, you may proceed to leave.
How to deal with a Curious George
On rare occasions, a Curious George will come along. You know, the one whose main purpose is to investigate other shitters. If your bathroom stall has no crack then you have no need to worry. If it does, this person might try to casually look through the crack while pretending to wash up or relieve himself. If you two make eye contact through the little crack, you have two options. 1) Play it cool and comment on the bad pizza you ate last night. 2) Wait until you’re finished. Go back to the office and say to Curious George, “Hey, I bet you can guess what I ate for dinner last night. ” 
Game over.
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